“I think it’s time we all stopped hiding from this, and started talking more about dick pics”

It all started about six or seven years ago. I was in Columbus, Ohio, and a friend hooked me up with a visiting tattoo artist who TOTALLY wanted to, you know, do the dirty. We exchanged phone numbers after he did my tattoo, and I ended up leaving to go back to the small town of Athens where I attended college (so we never actually did it). Later that night I received a rather unexpected image on my phone. It was…it was…his DICK!!!

I was 19 at the time, and I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to do. I mean I couldn’t exactly touch it; it was a pic (which: at the time I had the LG ENV2, so you know that it was pixelated). My natural reaction was to scream, and of course forward it to all my besties who would then also go on to scream and laugh at the dick pic’s terribleness.

As I grew older and wiser, my concept of dick pics started to change. They were still generally frowned upon, but there was this turning point of everything when a guy long-distance who I really liked sent me a dick pic one night we were sexting. It was a nice one! I was like, “hehe. I did that. Hehe.” And it was fun! We had this whole Dick Pic Memoirs thing going on: “A Dick Pic, With Love.” I had finally come to understand how much fun dick pics could actually be.

Now, when it comes to dick pic etiquette, my rules are pretty simple: if he sends you a second dick pic, it doesn’t count (my record is 4 dick pics in 4 days). Also, if it’s limp: doesn’t count either. Make him send another. If you’re lucky, you’ll get a dick video. So many factors and circumstances that contribute to a dick pic’s legitimacy come into play: lighting, picture quality, how aesthetically pleasing the overall picture is (what is in the background? Is his bathroom disgusting? Is his room a total mess? These things matter. A lot.) Basically, was he the Steven F*cking Spielberg of dick pics? If not, he probably isn’t getting any.

I dunno, maybe dick pics aren’t so bad. Maybe it all is just fun and games. Hell, I mean, some guys won’t even send me one if I ask (yes, I sometimes ask; and YES, not all guys believe in sending dick pics). However if I think a relationship might actually be headed somewhere in a “serious” direction, any nude pics are out of the question (until later). Plus, isn’t it more fun to just wait and see? When did innocently kissing on the first date get replaced with sending a lousy dick pic? Call me an old-timey romantic, but if I barely know you, I surely do not want to know your dick.

(photo via INFOSHQIP2)